Taoism, forgiveness and anger management

On the Reform Taoism member forum there's been a really good discussion going regarding anger management and forgiveness. I'm reproducing here the essence of my posts in the thread in the hope that they may be of some wider use.

The original poster (OP)  initially asked for insights from members with regard to Taoism and anger management. This was my response...

For me anger is wrapped up with the ego and arises when my perception of how the world/things/life etc "should be" comes in conflict with how it actually "is." IMHO there's nothing wrong per se with feeling angry. If you feel angry then let it out, but try to direct it so that it causes minimal damage.

What I do once it's out is try to examine where the conflict is and how it arises. I don't try to "control" or "manage" my anger but I find that through understanding the nature of the source conflict, I gain perspective and the situation rarely arises again. Sometimes however it takes several goes before I really understand the source of the conflict.

The strange thing I find is that usually when I finally understand the root of my anger it's almost always something petty, small, and quite often embarrassingly childish. But then as Taoists we shouldn't run away from our childishness - just not let it take over our lives.


...Following on from the anger management discussion the OP identified that some of their anger originated in unresolved feelings from events in past relationships. In an effort to resolve these the OP enquired about Taoist advice regarding forgiveness. The essence of my responses and resulting discussions are presented here...

• Forgive or don't forgive. It doesn't matter. It won't change the past - that's been and gone. 
• Forgiving or not forgiving maintains the illusion that events can in some way still be changed. 
• Dwelling on past events will bring you no benefit, it won't change anything - it will only take you away from the present and hamper your ability to find harmony.
• Everything "good" and "bad" has brought you to this point. Both are of equal value in making you who you are.
• What to do? Give yourself a break. 
• Accept the past for what it is - something that has been and gone. 
• Make the decision to live the life you have now, not one that has ceased to be.

...the discussion proceeded onto the roots of the emotional pain from which the anger arises and the urge to forgive or not forgive. You may notice that these issues are closely tied with those of guilt and shame covered in my previous post. Here's what I had to say...

It is the ego that feels wronged. It's saying "Don't you know who I am? I'm too important to be treated like this!" It's all tied up in only "seeing the manifestations" as described in chapter 1 of the Tao Te Ching.I believe that this is a good example of how Taoism can offer us better answers.

It all boils down to a conflict between what happens and what a person (specifically their ego) desires to happen. There is a vision projecting into the future of how things will be & when reality doesn't fit the illusion there is naturally conflict, pain, etc. This can be further amplified by past similar events reinforcing the sense of injustice or vulnerability. This is what the Tao Te Ching is talking about when it says things like...

When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.

The Master sees things as they are,
without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way,

When there is no desire,
all things are at peace.

[The master] has no will of his own.
He dwells in reality,
and lets all illusions go.

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.

...so both forgiving and not forgiving are just tricks of the ego making it seem as if you have some kind of power or control over past events. Don't fret over the past and how things didn't live up to your expectations, and don't build expectations of the future and how things are going to be. Give them both up and live in the now...

Living in the moment,
abandoning the baggage of past events,
abandoning the baggage of future expectations,
you become free.

Dealing with loss

On the New Taoist Community forum a poster was asking for advice on dealing with the feelings arising from a relationship breakdown. FWIW, with some modification for tense & context, here's my response...

Tears and emotions are the natural response to loss. They're not good or bad - they just are what they are. When going through a grieving process, the emotions need to be released. They should be let out in the knowledge that they're part of a natural process and will lose their intensity over time.

Negative thoughts are also natural at such a time, but they don't really achieve anything. IMHO their source is the conflict between the image of the future that has been held for a long time (e.g. married & family life), and the image of the future that is developing now. Both of these images are illusions. We can guess, but we don't really have any idea of how our lives will be 1 day from now, let alone over a course of years; and our memories of past events are merely distorted reflections. All we have is right now. The past has happened and nothing can be done to change it. The future is a path to be walked and experienced, an adventure into the unknown that always starts from where we are.

When you find yourself getting wrapped in negative thoughts, try concentrating on being solely in the present moment. Notice how the light reflects on a glass of water. Concentrate on the taste and smell of the food you're eating. Observe the shape of the clouds. When you get consumed by thoughts of what you should have done, what you could have done, what you're going to do, and what you might do - take a deep breath, let it all go, remember they're all just tricks our brain plays on us which are of no real use. Try concentrating on the here and now, on the small and mundane, the breath going in and out, the feel of the things touched. When the negativity starts returning, understand it's natural but of no use, let it go and then gently return to concentrating on the present moment again. The drifting into negativity is natural but can be poisonous, for example leading to anxiety or self-loathing, the concentration on the present is the antidote.

Homosexuality

On the Reform Taoism forum a question was raised about what Taoism tells us about homosexuality and legal gay relationships. For what it's worth, here's my answer...

IMHO there's a few points here.... The first is that the Tao Te Ching is not a religious text in the same way as the Bible or Qur'an. It does not claim to be the "word of God" or some kind of infallible reference, but rather is the observations of either one or a group of people depending on what you believe. I like to think of it as a travel book, where the writer says "I did this to get where I wanted to go", and you can take from it what is useful to get you to the same destination, but it is not something to be blindly followed. If other texts pass any comment I don't know, but it would only be an opinion not a law. At the end of the day you are your own guide to the Tao.

Secondly Taoism is about finding your own way to live rather than telling others how they should live theirs. I see no way that two people having a consenting relationship affects me finding harmony with the Tao, so I don't see why what they do should be any of my business.

Finally, one of the foundations of Taoism is observation of nature. Apparently homosexual behaviour is common in nature and, while one should be cautious about reading too much meaning for humans in the behaviour of other species, it does make it difficult to claim that gay humans are "unnatural".